dive back into the waters

ph: mar'ya filatova

amor mio-

first we were strangers. then you weren't so unknown and weren't so strange, and we drifted towards friends. and keeping the friend title you graduated to become my boyfriend. soon after, and with increasingly accumulated titles, you became my lover. and it was months of bliss as all three titles merged into you. and you with me became some completely separate entity that moved as one force in the universe, rambunctiously causing heads to turn and eyes to roll but i was there and you were there and it was us. together.

then too quickly after you became my ex-lover. and my ex-boyfriend. and my ex-friend. and too quickly was i surrounded by exs, too many to count and too many for it to mark any spot. and too quickly you became the person i pushed into the past tense when talking about, though so much of you is still with me presently, surrounding me and hugging me.

and then you send me a message - and i can eagerly re-unfold all the layers we surpassed together, to your inner demons and mine. i can eagerly dive back into the waters of your trust and my love and our innocence. i can eagerly respond with a desperate yes, and a promise to call him in the morning.

because truth is i’ve been waiting for him to say he needs me. i’ve been waiting for him to say he misses me. and i’ve been waiting for him to say he loves me. because there are too many newborn butterflies alight in my stomach to swallow such an opportunity with a passive no. so here i wait and here i teeter, on the brink of ex's, like they're bowling pins lined up ready to fall. and i'm hoping in one swift movement i can knock down every ex we were drowning in.