I don’t know who to love

ph: Marija Kovac

1 year, 1 month, and 10 days ago me and my current boyfriend started dating. It’s a long distance relationship, though, the best relationship I’ve had in my short life. He’s been a dream to me, and I have never met anybody willing to risk everything for someone else. He’s head over heels madly in love with me. I love him back, so much. We have planned our lives together. We have planned to move in together, when I start university, and when he graduates from university. Everything is perfect. Though, lately I have been feeling more of an obligation to be with him. I have been feeling like he depends on me too much, and I depend on him, and I’m just used to having him in my life. I feel like I can’t break up with him, because I would be letting my parents down, my sister down, my friends down, and everyone else who are so convinced that one day, him and I will get married and live happily ever after...

A few days an old girl friend of mine broke her boyfriends heart, after being together for one year and six months, she broke up with him and a day later, starting dating a new boy. They live in Spain, I live in Sweden. For some reason, I felt the need to contact the boy she broke up with (though I had never met him before, or even talked to him), and tell him I’m sorry for what happened and that he deserves better. Although I had never talked to him in my entire life before, he sent me a message back pouring his heart out to me and telling him how hurt he was and telling me everything he should have been saying to his best friend. But he didn’t say it to his best friend, he said it to me.

We started talking more and more. Not actually talking, but messaging each other. I started to notice myself getting a clump in my stomach every time I saw he was online. I found myself checking facebook every 30 seconds, hoping he had written me back. I found myself falling for a stranger.

Last night I told him how I felt and that I was afraid I was going to fall for him if I were to meet him. So we decided that this summer when I got to Spain, we will meet. He’s the guy I have dreamt about since I was a little girl. He’s the perfect guy, my perfect someone. Like he wrote to me last night, ”you might be my pot, and I may be your lid”. He feels the same way about me, he thinks I am an absolutely amazing girl, and he feels like he has finally found someone who will treat him right.

So now I find myself at crossroads. Do I break up with the boy I have been with for over a year, and risk everything, to be with a stranger? Could my current boyfriend be my soulmate, or could this stranger be the one I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with? I find myself confused, and frustrated.

I don’t know who to love.