something i don't know

ph: Dream"

I don’t have very much experience with love, any actually, apart from my family and friends. And it terrifies me. Not because it’s something I don’t know, but because what if I never do experience it? I’m starting to feel like that lonely, pitiable, single friend not so much because I happen to be single, but because I’ve always been alone and the people around me have slowly all found someone to experience love with. And I’m the only one who hasn’t.

The worst part is that last spring I might have let someone slip right by me. He was a TA, leaving after graduation. Our paths crossed so many different times, but I was unwilling, too afraid to do anything because he was my teacher, even if he was only 2 years older than me and not technically my teacher. He was still giving me a grade. But what if he was my chance at love? I don’t know if it really was love, or just a huge crush, but I have never felt that way about anyone else. And the worst part? I think things were a little reciprocal.

This fall is the first time that someone has shown any real interest in me, and 'pursued' me in my 22 years. But I just didn’t like him more than in a friendly way. Everyone was pushing me to “just go for it!” but I just couldn’t. In the end I didn’t feel anything close to what I felt for Mr. TA. But did I push away Mr. Possibility because I was afraid? Or was it because I didn’t feel elated, anxious and nervous about seeing him the way that I did for Mr. TA?

I try every day to find at least one beautiful thing that I love and it helps me to fall head over heels in love with life itself. But I want more. I want someone to love me back. I want someone to give me a huge, crushing hug that you say is uncomfortably tight but secretly crave. I want someone to share my love of life with. And until I find someone who makes me feel close to the way I felt around Mr. TA, I just don’t see the point of going through the motions.

But what if I never find it? Or worse, what if I find it and my fear holds me back? I’ll be worse off than those that lost their loves because at least they got to experience that profound, eternal, elusive emotion.