never regret you

ph: weheartit + MaryJane'sBedroom

i remember you

ph: weheartit


Two years ago, I met a wonderful boy. He was a friend to a friend of mine, and he was visiting this friend for about a week. I had talked to him two or three times before in some chat or something, but it was nothing special about him I thought, before the first time I met him.

He lived in the country next to mine. It seems close. But it isn't. Anyway, two years ago I was heading to the local supermarket, to met this incredible boy and my friend.
A summer day when the sun shined and made everything beautiful, the food tasted better, the music sounded better, and everything was shining and the world was golden.

The first time I saw him it was love at first sight. I blushed. His eyes was blue, but also a bit green. And his hair was blonde. Dark blonde. The way he walked, and the way he talked. Everything about him was extraordinary and I couldn't stop wanting to know everything about him. His middle-name and if his mother still called him sweetheart.

I didn't expect anything. I didn't want anything. I didn't know anything. I just knew that the second our eyes met I couldn't see anything else. So we stared at each other. Long. And that day we walked around and talked to each other about everything and anything. He sang like an angel and had the brains of an professor. He had humor, and everything anyone could ask for. The only weakness he had was that he believed he wasn't memorable. I fell in love in just a couple of days with every little part of him, and he sat outside my door as soon as the sun rised and we walked around my little town next to the sunrise. After that we would run away and swim, or grab an ice cream in the sun. We often just listened to music and talked for hours. Talked til the sun was about to go down and the sky painted it self red.

On the last night before he was going to leave me and my heart who already belonged to him we walked along the beach. With the sunset as our background. He held my hand and I held his, as hard as I possibly could. We climbed up a cliff and sat down. He hugged me, embraced me with every part of him. Kissed my forehead. We didn't say anything. Just sitting next to each other felt safe. More safe then anything else. We knew it was the end. Of this. Of what I thought life was about. He would be to far away. And the sun was about to go down and I wanted it to stay up more than I ever wanted anything. So that the next day would never come, and he would never leave. I wanted him to stay so badly I almost couldn't feel myself breath.
Somehow I must have fallen asleep in his arms, because the next morning I woke up in my own bed. He was gone. The only thing left was a letter in a envelope with my name on it.

"Angela,
I carried you home when the sun was down. When you're reading this I'm probably on the train, on my way home.
I didn't expect this. I didn't expect to fall in love with a girl, a wonderful, beautiful girl, in Sweden in less than a week. Cause that's what happened.
I'm in love with you. You. You. You. I don't know much. But you own my heart, even though you're one country away. Doesn't that say alot?

We're young and we're stupid, but it hurts me that I can't be stupid with you. I would leave everything at home to just be with you, even though it sounds dumb.
I know. It wouldn't work. We can't be together. We're too far away from each other. We have so different life's, so different dreams and wishes. But our hearts are the same. Beating for the other. My heart is always going to beat a bit harder for you. I hope you know that, that you will always be a piece of me, everywhere you go.
I didn't have the time to say it before I had to go, but.. I've never met anyone like you. Ever, and I think I love you. Or, I know I do. I love you.

Write me. And please, remember me."

When I'm writing this it's been two years. We've had others. Loved others. But somehow, we're back to this. In love again.

...........

F,

If you're reading this, I remember you.
I'll always remember you, and when you call me in the middle of the night just to sing a song or when I wake up and read your long emails, or when I take a walk down the beach we sat by just to remember you a little bit more, I remember you so much it hurts, but it feels good knowing you'll always be close. Even though you aren't here.

You are and always will be a person no one ever will forget.
Lots of love, Angela

before you

ph: stumbleupon

whether we're together or not

ph: weheaertit

I've liked you for two years. All those English lectures together, the studying, the endless nights of coffee and laughter...

I haven't said anything, of course. I'm far too chicken for that. I'm the kind of person who would just be someone's friend, if that's what they wanted, if they loved someone else I would still be there, being their friend. Even if my heart was totally breaking. I would've waited for you. I would've accepted that there was someone else.

So, then you kissed me Saturday night, two weeks ago. It was the most beautiful night of my life - well, up until now anyway. We danced, and you put your arm around me, and as we sat on the steps in the middle of the city you kissed me. That's when I knew my heart was yours. I wouldn't hide away anymore because you wanted me, and I knew it. You told me, as we sat in the Irish bar with 90s music playing around us, that you've fancied me for a while. And I shyly said "I know. And I have too". It was awkward, but it was perfect.

So we spent time together, we kissed, we drank coffee and laughed and held hands, and you said that you were worried that you made me feel awkward. You were worried that you were making me do something I didn't want to do. I looked at you, stunned, and said "No way!" and kissed you. It couldn't be further from the truth.

But now we're at a stage where we don't know whether we're together or not. We are not quite an item, but we hang out a lot and we kiss. I like you so much, I can't really say. I think about you all the time. All I really want is for us to be together. And for the first time in my life, I'm proud to show everyone. I just want to meet your parents, family, friends, and I want you to meet mine. I'm not self-conscious.

So, my question for you is...are we together? Or are we not? Do you want me, or do you not? It's too late - my heart has already been taken over. This could break me, but I'm hoping it doesn't.

I'm hoping our ending will be a happy one. Just like the Disney movies.

I'm going to ask him about us next time we hang out. Wish me luck!

x

P R I V A T E

PARTY DRESSES ARE A DIME A DOZEN THESE DAYS, BUT A REALLY REALLY GREAT ONE IS HARD TO FIND. I'VE NEVER EVEN BEEN A DRESS KIND OF GUY UNTIL NOW BUT I'M PLANNING ON MAKING UP FOR LOST TIME. THIS LITTLE NUMBER BY AUSSIE LABEL SHAKUHACHI IS AMAZING. EACH OF IT'S SILK TASSELS HAVE BEEN HAND STITCHED INTO PLACE IN TWO NEAT LINES THAT SEEM TO MAKE YOU LOOK A LOT TALLER THAN WHAT YOU ARE. IT IS HOWEVER- NOT THE BEST THING TO RIDE ON THE BACK OF A MOTORCYCLE, BUT THAT'S PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY PLACE I WOULDN'T WEAR IT. 

DRESS BY SHAKUHACHI

i can't unlove you.

ph: Paula Repezza + weheartit

my knight

ph: Martin Dimitrievski

We are brought up to believe that the right one is out there. That our knight will find us on his white steed and we will live happily ever after. We are impregnated with films and books with the stories about our knight in shining armor. But what happens when you are certain that your knight is not for you? When it's not the guy who is the villain. It’s you. Is there a knight out there then? Because the truth is that I think I found my knight, but the problem is that I do not want the knight who wants me. Will I fall in love again? I will love someone again? Is there a knight for me? Or is the universe mad for me slapping it in the face because I was not happy with the knight that I received? Will the universe be angry that I gave back my knight? Only the future can answer that. But I really hope that my knight is still out there and will find me.

- F from Sweden

being single

ph: weheartit + weheaertit

D E A R A N O N Y M O U S

LOTS OF MY AWESOME READERS (YOU) EMAIL ME RE: SKIN AND MAKEUP TRICKS AND MORE RECENTLY A FEW OF YOU ANONYMOUS FOLKS ASKED WHAT IT IS I'M USING. SO ANONYMOUS: LET'S TALK SKIN! TO BEGIN I'M A REAL PRODUCT HO. SEPHORA CEO'S AND CFO'S ALIKE SHOULD SEND ME SOME FLOWERS FOR HELPING (IF NOT SINGLE HANDEDLY) GET THEM THEIR FAT BONUSES DELIVERED EACH YEAR IN THEIR NUMBERED BANK ACCOUNTS! AND LET ME TELL YOU I'VE TRIED EM ALL SO HERE IS WHAT I THINK IS THE BEST...

FACE.

REMOVE: CREOLIN H20. I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT'S IN IT OR WHY IT'S GOOD BUT ALL GREAT MAKE UP ARTISTS HAVE IT IN THEIR KIT'S. IT'S A WELL KNOWN INSIDERS TIP IN MY WORKING CIRCLES. THE GOOD NEWS? IT'S 12 EURO. THE BAD NEWS? YOU CAN ONLY BUY IT IN FRANCE. 

WASH:  1ST. KORA FOAMING FACIAL WASH- THIS IS MY FAVORITE OF ALL PRODUCTS. IT'S ORGANIC, AND THE PRODUCT THAT GOT ME INTO ORGANIC PRODUCTS. IT SMELLS WEIRD BUT LET ME TELL YOU THIS IS A ONE WAY TICKET TO GREAT SKIN. PLUS, IF IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR MIRANDA? ITS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. 2ND. CETAPHIL IT'S GENTLE. SIMPLE AND IT GET'S THE JOB DONE WITHOUT IRRITATING MY ALREADY IRRITATED SKIN AFTER WORKING UNDER LARGE LIGHTS AND TWO TONNE OF MAKEUP.

SPRITZ: ROSE WATER SPRAY. I FORGOT WHICH ONE I USE BUT THIS IS KIND OF A WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET PRODUCT. TRY TO FIND AN ORGANIC ONE THATS SMALL ENOUGH TO KEEP IN YOUR HANDBAG OR IN THE FRIDGE. IS A LIFE SAVER AFTER YOU'VE ACCIDENTLY FALLEN ASLEEP ON THE BEACH OR PASSENGER NEXT TO YOU ON A LONG HAUL.

MOISTURIZE. OKAY THIS IS WHERE I GET A BIT SCHIZOPHRENIC AND NEED EVERYTHING I CAN GET MY LITTLE PAWS ON. I USUALLY SWITCH BETWEEN THREE PRODUCTS. 1. LA MER'S MIRACLE CREAM. I GOT THIS JUST BECAUSE I COULD AFFORD TO REALLY, I DO LIKE IT. AND IT DOES MAKE YOU LOOK AIRBRUSHED BUT IT IS REALLY HEAVY SO I ONLY USE IT WHEN I'M A. OFF A FLIGHT OR B. HUNGOVER. THEIR HAND CREAM ON ANOTHER NOTE- IS FANTASTIC. 2. EMBRYOLISEE "24HR MIRACLE" CREAM WHICH IS REALLY JUST A LIGHTER VERSION OF THE LA MER- ALTHOUGH THIS IS ANOTHER FRANCE ONLY NON-EXPORT BUT  YOU CAN FIND IT ONLINE. 3. MY ACTUAL FAVORITE IS THE CLINIQUE MENS "M LOTION". IT JUST WORKS REALLY WELL, EVEN THOUGH IT SEEMS BORING. AND FOR MY BODY I'M A DIE HARD ALPHA KERRI LOTION FAN. ITS THE ONLY THING I'LL EVER USE FOR THE REST OF MY PRODUCT HO DAYS.

ONCE A WEEK. DERMALOGICA'S MULTIVITAMIN CAPSULES. JUST INVEST. TRUST ME. 

ONE A MONTH. OXYGEN FACIALS. THESE ARE THE BEST FACIAL EVER. MY SKIN IS NOT A FAN OF SOMEONE PUSHING ON IT WITH TWO METAL STICKS AND USUALLY LETS ME KNOW 3-5 DAYS LATER. BUT THIS STICK FREE TREATMENT SEEMS TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A NEWBORN. *MAKE SURE WHEN YOU BOOK ONE IN ASK IF IT'S THE O2 SPRAY OR THE MACHINE THEIR USING AS THE ULTRACEUTICALS THE MACHINE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE. 

MAKE UP.

FOUNDATION: I ALTERNATE BETWEEN GIORGIO ARMANI FLUID IN 6.5 AND GIORGIO ARMANI IN A TUBE IN 3.5 YEAR ROUND. WITH THE FLUID I PUT IT ON THE BACK OF MY HAND FIRST AND THEN PRESS IT ONTO THE SKIN WHERE NEEDED. I PICKED THAT ONE UP FROM THE MAKEUP TEAMS THAT HOVER AROUND MY FACE 9-5. SEEMS TO WORK A LOT BETTER THAN RUBBING IT ON LIKE SWEDISH MASSEUSE. WITH THE MATTE VERSION IN A TUBE I USE A KABUKI BRUSH AND BUFF IT IN, IN CIRCLES. NO ONE TOLD ME TO DO THAT- MOSTLY AGAINST IT, BUT IT'S FINE IF YOU JUST MAKE SURE YOU WASH THE BRUSH A FEW TIMES A WEEK. 

BLUSH. I JUST STARTED USING A CREAM BLUSH FROM M.A.C CALLED TEA PETAL. MIX SOME BALM (I USE LIZ EARLE MIRACLE BALM) (P.S IT'S JUST OCCURRED TO ME I BUY MOST PRODUCTS WITH THE TERM "MIRACLE" ON THE LABEL) WITH A  SMALL AMOUNT OF THE BLUSH, JUST DAB IN ON THE CHEEK BONES. LESS IS MORE ON THAT COLOUR OR YOU'LL END UP LOOKING LIKE THE PERENNIAL "MAC GOTH CHICK" THAT WE SO OFTEN SEE AT THE MALL. AND BRONZER WISE.  THE ONLY COLOUR THAT I'VE FOUND THAT I LIKE IS THE MINERAL BRONZER BY RIMMEL. IS LIGHT ENOUGH TO NOT MAKE ME LOOK LIKE GEORGE HAMILTON AFTER ONE OF HIS SPRING BREAK SPRAY TANS. 

LIPS. I ONCE HAD A READER WHO TOLD ME I HAD "PORN MOUTH" NOW WHILST THIS SERVED AS GREAT AMUSEMENT TO MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY FOR MONTHS IT CERTAINLY KEPT ME AWAY FROM ALL LIPSTICKS OR GLOSS FOR ABOUT TWO YEARS. I USE CARMEX. THAT'S IT. NO MORE PORN MOUTH FOR THIS LADY.

AS ALWAYS IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, JUST ASK ME! 

PHOTOS BY MY BFF FOR SOME CASTING DIGI'S. BIKINI BY ZIMMERMANN.

thank you mr. one night stand

ph: weheartit

I arrived there on a plane, looking for adventure, looking for fun. I was running away from ghosts from my past, trying to get over the man who broken my heart in two. I had been putting on a brave face for my friends and family but I was dying on the inside, a piece of me had gone missing. I came to Iceland hoping to find that piece.

I sat in the hostel lobby with my friend laughing over the shenanigans of the night before when you looked over and our eyes met. I looked away because I was shy, because I was embarrassed to be starring at such a gorgeous stranger. I haven’t been this attracted to someone since meeting my last love; it was refreshing to feel something again. I came to this place with a broken heart, with feelings of sadness and remorse. I came looking for something new, something to make me forget all the pain; I guess I came looking for you. You came over with your friends and bought me a beer, you smiled and I blushed. “Thanks, you didn’t have to,” I replied and quickly looked away. The conversations at our table continued but all I wanted to do was talk to you. Our eyes kept drifting towards each other and I felt like your gaze was touching my soul, the connection was instant, and I knew you were something special. We left the hostel and went to a local pub; we stood on different sides of the room just starring at each other. You finally came over and told me how beautiful I was, how could I resist that cute foreign accent? How could I resist that smile? We kissed and I knew instantly that you wanted me as much as I wanted you. We told my friend we were going to leave and go back to our room, she told us we had one hour, so we rushed and took a cab. We spent the whole night worshipping each other’s bodies, it felt good, and I finally felt free. We talked and we laughed and when we checked the time we had been locked in my room for 6 hours, the time had flown by, it had felt like 1 hour. All the pain and frustration that I had been holding onto disappeared, you made me feel whole again. Your touch, your smile, your love gave me back what I had been missing. Who knew that a perfect stranger could cure a broken heart? My friend came back to our room so you had to leave. We weren’t ready for the night to end but what were we suppose to do? We said our good byes and talked about how we would one day meet again, both knowing it was unlikely. Neither of us mentioned that this was the end of our Icelandic fling, neither of us wanted to spoil the moment. After you left I laid in my bed smelling the scent of your cologne wondering if I would ever see you again, I couldn’t sleep I was too excited thinking about the events of the night. I have been home for one week and I still think about you. I thought I would feel regret or remorse for having a one-night stand but I feel invigorated, I feel whole. I write this because I want to say thank you Mr. one night stand for giving me a piece of myself back that I have been searching for. I will never forget you.

Love,

S.

xoxo

hey. i miss you

ph: weheartit + weheartit

good guys

ph: theshinysquirrel

This is what my boyfriend said to me after having a humongous break down over Skype.

"Bub, You've fallen asleep so i'm going to go. But before I do, I just want to let you know how much I love you and wonderful and amazing you are in every way. You are so caring and loving, and i will always love you for that. Please don't let anybody who calls you stupid make you upset, they are only jealous of how smart they know you are. You go to uni, study marketing and get good grades. You drive so competently (and sometimes a little fast, not sure where you learnt that from), make smart and logical choices everyday, you juggle uni and a job, not to mention a needy boyfriend who loves you to death, still have a social life and somehow still find time to make dinner and cuddle your mummy. No stupid person can ever do that. If you say something dumb once in a while, who cares! Everyone does, it doesn't define you, its just a part of life. I know i say stupid things all the time like just realizing jason deroulo is black. And i know you love me for it.

I know that things seem tough at the moment, with uni work piling up, and girls being bitches at work, and it can feel overwhelming at times. But you will get through this rough patch, and i will be here to help you in anyway possible, even if its just to lend an ear. I wish that i could help you more. I have a super big cuddle waiting for you my love. I hope that things get better soon. I love you so much bub, I've never met someone as beautiful, talented, smart, funny, bubbly, energetic, sexy, cute, loving and caring as you, i and i hope you know that i truly believe it. You are everything to me.I hope everything seems better in the morning, because everything usually is. I'll see you soon my darling, and i can't wait to have you in my arms again. Seeing you sleep like this just makes me want and love you more.

I love you, Xxxx'

I just want to remind everyone that there are good guys out there. We fell in love the first day we met and it was so unexpected. I know how lucky I am so I will not mess this up. I love you Jason, more than I can describe.

M O R E A M O U R

FROM RIO I FLEW BACK TO THE STATES TO DO SOME WORK IN HAWAII THEN ONTO NEWQUAY BEFORE HEADING TO FRANCE WITH A 48HR STOP OFF IN OSLO AND FINALLY STEPPING OFF THE TRAIN AT CHARLES DE GAULLE. PARIS IS ALWAYS INCREDIBLE. AND THIS TIME WAS NO EXCEPTION! WE STAYED AT THE THOMIEUX, DRANK AT HOTEL AMOUR AND STOPPED BY THE CRAZY HORSE TO SEE SOME OLD FRIENDS. BISOUS BISOUS, MON CHERI'S! 

DRESSES BY ISABEL MARANT. FRIEND OF MINE AND MAURIE AND EVE. JACKET BY ELLERY. SUNGLASSES BY ELLERY AND CELINE. 

to me you're perfect

ph: weheartit

i have faith

ph: katherine squier

It's friday night, I feel a bit under the weather. Sitting on this new bed, in a new room, in a different part of a world.

A few months ago I decided that I needed to start over; I needed to leave behind all my tangled-love-stories that were closer to tragedies, and instead take the risk to go some place new. I boarded a plain on the other side of the world and arrived here in Berkeley, California two weeks ago.

It's different than what I'm used to.

I could go into the past and talk about all my ups and downs, the highs and the seriously low lows. But here, miles away, all of that feels irrelevant now. I feel like I can be someone better.

Some things still pinch inside, some memories still make me laugh a little. I still remember some friends, I still dream of some lovers.

This is not another cliche love story, although I've had a series of cliche moments in a series relationships, with different faces and different names.

I've been love with the guy who threw me across the room and into the wall. I've been in love with the guy who was the best a friend could ever be; and suddenly, as I moved destinations, so did his feelings.

Their feelings always died. It always felt like I was the only loyal one, who gave in with my everything.

But I'm starting to realize that that's ok. It's those little qualities that make us who we are. As for the experiences, they make us stronger and we should never have regret.

Sometimes I wonder if I was born to accomplish bigger and better things.

Sometimes I wonder why I ever lowered my own standards just to meet someone else's.

I truly believe that true, real, unconditional love exists. I know it's there because I've felt it, at least for a moment if not more, even in the worst relationship that I could have possibly been in.

Sometimes I like to read the stories on this blog when I feel low and in need of something inspiring, and though this isn't a love story, I hope it gives you some hope. I hope you know that you're stronger than the one who hurt you; you're happiness doesn't depend on them.

You are limitless. You are free.

Take a risk to do something you're passionate about, no matter how overwhelming it may feel.

I've left every single thing behind me, and here I am, in a whole new world. I don't know how long it may be before I find what I am looking for, but I have faith that someday I will find it.

And you will too. I promise.

Reaa

to the moon and back

ph: weheartit + weheartit

thank you for us.

ph: favim

somewhere someone is looking at their love and saying thank you.

they're looking at them, their face. that familiar face that their lips know as well as their eyes know. every highlight and shadow that make up that gorgeous structure.

the scruff and the little nook where their nose turns into their cheek. the cheek that they kiss once before they kiss the other.

they're looking at them and saying it with each kiss. they're saying it with each glance into those kind, mischievous, understanding eyes.

they say thank you when their fingers touch and their palms interconnect with each other like pieces of a puzzle.

they say it when they wake up to an arm and a body wrapping its warmth around their arm and their body.

when they fight and yell and slam doors and then look at each other, short of breath with tired eyes of forgiveness and smile wearily.

they say it through a shrug of the shoulders. a raised eyebrow. a laugh. a scrunched nose.

thank you. they say.

thank you for being mine. for not being an asshole. for letting me in. for wanting me as much as i want you. for needing me as i need you.

thank you for you. and for me. and for you and me being here, together.

for us. thank you for us.

i wonder if anyone thinks about me...

universal truths about love

ph: weheaertit

I've found there are very universal truths about love...

It will happen when you least expect it.
Like discovering something awful sounding/looking food tastes yummy, or that that taco you had a few hours ago gave you food poisoning.

Example, I joined a dating site looking for friends. Before you beat me to it let me say, “Who the hell joins a dating site looking for friends?!”

Well, this girl of course! *Points thumbs at self*

I’ve met a few people whom I’m now friends with from there. Then I decided to meet with this witty chap one day, and unbeknownst to me, I received a shiny new boyfriend! He came complete with such amenities and features like an education, operational brain, and good sense of humor. I lie to you not when I say he looked at me one night and said, ‘you’re so my girlfriend’, then we were a couple.

It felt like receiving a present you didn’t exactly want at Christmas, like a pair of socks or new underwear. Then you totally appreciate it, the next day or someday, when you realized your laundry is not clean or you wore holes through all your socks and undergarments. GREAT FEELING!

Despite trying, sometimes you can’t help who your heart attaches itself to.
Some women like Prada bags, some chicks dig Vera Bradley, others like hobo bags … personally I have a soft spot for ugly purses. I own one that looks like I pulled the wooly upholstery off a 70’s couch and lined the sides with metallic green material that must have been recycled from a pair of 80’s hooker platform boots.

The thing is we fall for who we fall. My MO is usually funny nerdy guys and chicks with a pompous streak. The mind is so sexy; too bad the ones I meet come with this complex! I’ve fallen for the good looking ones, the bigger ones, the shy ones, the ones with 10,000 holes in their face, jerks, clingers, dependents, independents, and people with more problems than a college calculus final. It just happens.

It’s hard to control the velocity and trajectory of love.
Even aerospace engineers screw up sometimes, and they went to school for this stuff. Google NASA goofs or mess-ups and you’ll see. If you can achieve control over this, you are probably the romantic emotions equivalent of an angry birds master.

Some of my relationships built over years, then faded slowly. Others were quick to ignite and burned out just as fast. My last relationship took a whole week after meeting to officially be a couple. It also went downhill quick too. Like I said, uncontrollable unless you are some sort of zen master.

Love can change.
Like Baskin Robin ice cream flavors, there are many types of love, and the flavors can change often! One minute it can be an intense all-consuming love, and the next minute it’s gone completely off the menu. It can switch between and from intense love, friendly love, deeply passionate love, caring love, devoted love, etc.

I also find that things always change after the ‘honeymoon’ period is over and you really get to know who you’ve fallen in love with. Sure, sometimes it’s good change. You realize you love the true person they are, and maybe you think how they organize their underwear by color, year, and make is really awesome ( Hey whatever rocks your socks! I won’t judge!). Other times you realize their personality and little quirks, like being berated for not decompressing all the air out of the bag of a loaf of bread, will drive you up a wall.

Love will change you.
Emotional connections with people affect who we are and how we act. It can make us a better person, and it can drag us down into a hole; thus turn us into something we want or don’t want to become. This can be both a conscious thing and sub conscious. That is the nature of the beast.

Remember what I said above about the bread? Yeah, it’s one that happened with an ex. I realized after a while I started to squeeze the air out of the bread bag to appease my partner. Sure this was a good habit, it really does help keep the bread fresh longer, but this carried over to other things too. I realized I was changing myself, and I eventually became someone I hated. It’s like that LCD sound system song, ‘I Can Change’. The guy basically falls in love with a person because of who they were, then realizes their partnership is dissolving, so he changes himself to make them fall in love, or stay in love with him.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gathered great hobbies, habits, lessons and insight into myself from love. Just make sure you define how love changes you.

Love brings both happiness and pain.
While love can be expressed through physical acts, Love is not physical, it’s emotional.

One night I got together with a girl just started dating. Oddly enough she wanted to exchange stories about scars. She pointed to one on her knee, and told me how her brother threw an authentic aboriginal boomerang at her. When it was my turn I pointed to a place on my arm.

She cried, “There isn’t a scar there!” I told her,” yes there is … but it’s not one you can see. “

I told her a memory from a past relationship that caused me pain and afterwards I explained to her that ,“ the most painful scars aren’t the ones you can’t see, they’re the emotional ones.”

Then she pointed to another spot without a scar and asked about that one. I told her the story of the first night she asked me on a date and how happy it made me feel to be wanted by this beautiful woman. So I said that, “ the same goes for happiness, we can see it physically expressed through actions but we can’t see the emotion. We can only walk around with these great memories and share them with others.”

Just remember, the memories we remember best are the ones attached to great emotion. I think that’s why love affects us so profoundly. We are human; we experience joy, laughter, sadness and hurt … but we heal, we move forward and we still love regardless. That is a wonderful thing.

Sometimes love is not enough.
Ever get to point in a relationship where you go, “ I love you but if I have to be around you one more second I’m going to do you bodily harm?” I’ve had a few of those … everyone has had those moments.

Love isn’t perfect, we will all have our bad days, drive each other crazy, and have disagreements. But when a relationship between two people goes bad, then sometimes love really isn’t enough.

Sometimes it hits you that the person you love may not feel the same for you, makes you unhappy, might cheat on you, prevent you from being you, hurts you in anyway continuously; despite how much you love them, you need to realize you might have to walk away. If the person you are with isn’t happy, or you are hurting them more by being with them, then sometimes you need to let them go as well.

I loved a man very much, and he loved me as well. Sure, he was kind, fun, smart, someone I enjoyed hanging out with, but things just started to fall apart. I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t me. I got tired of trying to make things work. So one day, enough was enough. It hurt, sometimes it still does.

Walking away from someone you love hurts. Sometimes letting go of someone one who loves you hurts too. You’ve got to do what’s best for you, and sometimes them. Love can be as easy as holding a hand, and kissing someone goodnight. It also can be as hard as walking away knowing your heart only beats for them.

Love is more than just a romantic relationship.
I bet you there is something out there you love that’s not just a partner, a boyfriend, a girlfriend. It can be the job you do, a hobby, a friend, a pet, a child, maybe you love collecting stuffed llamas ( who am I to say what you do or don't love). The Greeks had names for the different types of love, because love isn’t confined to just one definition or situation.

I love art, I love socializing with others, I love traveling, I love Ben and Jerry’s (ok maybe not love it but like it a lot!). I say love because these are things so deeply embedded in me … I just don’t like them, I really do love them with about as much and most times more than a partner. This is the type of love that is life devotion, and makes you who you are.

At the end of the day, we may lose a romantic partner or we may find one, but remember there are other things and people you love. The most important love of your life you’ll ever have is love for yourself. Love you.

And accept that love is.

-Eeka

the sweetest thing

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to face that fear

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It’s been a cycle since I was fourteen, maybe younger. I fall madly in love with a boy, almost instantly. It’s wonderful and perfect and everything I’ve ever wanted. After about a year or so, I get bored. As much as I hate to admit that I’m this kind of person, I have cheated on every serious boyfriend I have ever had. I’m only nineteen but that’s been five guys. I’m afraid to be alone, so when things start getting rocky with a guy I find a replacement before I even end things with them. I have not ever trusted a man in my life except for my father and I later learned that he betrayed my trust in a way that was completely unforgivable but I was too young to know. I loved him with all my heart all of his short life and we were so close. It wasn’t until after he died of an overdose that I realized the things that he had done to me as a child and I have never been able to trust a man, or really anyone, since. I have loved a lot of guys for my age. Who knows if it was ever real love, but now I doubt that it ever was because I’ve realized without trust you can never have true love. I don’t want to be the person that I have become. I lie to everyone around me, especially the people I’m closest with just because I assume that’s what everyone does. When I get suspicious that someone isn’t telling the truth I usually bring it up to them and they assure me that they are being honest but I can never believe anyone’s word. If I could trust my father for twelve years before I realized I never should have trusted him at all, how long does it take to find out the truth about everyone else? Is everyone just putting on a fake face and doing what they want while telling their friends, lovers, and family just what they want to hear? Maybe everyone is just as good as covering up their lies as my father was, as I have become. At some point, I’ve seen my father in every boy I’ve dated, even if for just a second. And that changes everything in the relationship for me. It’s taken me a while to realize that.

I don’t know how or where to start but I need to change. I need to get over the things that have happened to me in the past. I need to be alone, without a man in my life to depend on, for once and work on bettering myself. Being alone has been my biggest fear since I was a child, even if for a short time. I need to face that fear. I need to learn to trust myself before I can ever trust anyone else and have a happy relationship.

To everyone I’ve ever hurt, I am so sorry. I hope you forgive me one day.

This is the first I’ve ever admitted this to anyone, it’s a lot easier to admit things to total strangers than to people you know. Please don’t judge me, I’m not this horrible person that I’ve become.

"I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love." –Marilyn Monroe.

what if it does

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before you leave

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It happened so unexpectedly and took us both by surprise. We both were hesitant about the situation but it just worked. The secrets and sneakiness made the thrill of it all so much more exciting! It was easy, it was simple but it was new, it was exciting and was fresh. It was different from anything we had ever felt before. Right now, though, I feel weak. I feel clingy, but it's never hit me this hard before. I don’t want to regret not saying things to you before you leave, so here it is…..

This thing between is unexplainable. It cannot be described because I can’t seem to be able too. The words and the concepts just don’t seem to match what it actually is. Every time I got a text or thought about you my stomach would get all funny, like there were butterflies where organs should be. I felt like a little kid again.

If I didn't know any better I'd say I'm falling in love with you but enough to know that the adventure your about to go on is one that I’m not going to hold you back on or make things harder for you. I’m so excited for you but so incredibly sad to see you go. You have taught me so much and made me feel like I have something to look forward to again in the future. Don’t be scared or nervous because being young is such an exciting time and you officially have the world at your feet, the world is now your oyster.

The time I have spent with you has made me look forward to the next time we see each other, whether it be tomorrow, next month, next year, 10 years from now or when you finally return from this exciting journey your about to take part on. It is the best feeling knowing that some of your best days are just waiting to be lived out. Doing anything with you seems extraordinary to me.

I’m lucky to say I have you as a friend. I’m proud of you because you’ve never let me down.

While it lasted we had some of those things some people are yet to experience. We are the lucky ones, to meet somebody and get along so well instantly. To have a crazy connection with somebody you barely know but it’s something you hear people talk about and read about. While we had it it’s was real, it was great, it was really great.

What are two years, 730 days, 17520 hours? I want this letter to be something you can read and feel like you miss me but remember I’ll be seeing you soon, no goodbyes or never seeing each other again just I’ll miss you until you come back. We could have had a great story but instead this is it for now and what happens next is up to this huge universe.

Whatever you choose to do in your life to be, you will do amazing things, I may be young, I may be foolish, I may be naïve but you have so many experiences and times to come that will blow you away. I hope you keep in contact and make me jealous about all the amazing times you experience in Canada. Make memories that will make you speechless. Blow yourself away with the things you can achieve and surprise yourself. Do crazy things just to say you did them. Let yourself be wild, live with no regrets but be true to yourself.

The times we spent together and the little memories we shared I will keep them close until there is another time to make new ones again. I want that night where we laid in your bed with nervous hands, our shoulders touched and you kissed me and I couldn’t stop smiling.

Sarah.

R I O

OUT OF ALL THE PLACES IN THE WORLD THAT I'M LUCKY ENOUGH TO VISIT, RIO IS AT THE VERY TOP OF THE LIST. THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THE AIR IN THAT CITY THAT MAKES YOU FEEL EXCITED ABOUT BEING YOUNG, IN LOVE AND ALIVE. WAKING UP AT MY FAVORITE HOTEL EVER THE FASANO EVERYDAY AND SPENDING EVERY AFTERNOON POOLSIDE ON THE ROOFTOP WATCHING UBER CHIC PEOPLE AND VICTORIA'S SECRET MODELS LOUNGE AROUND WAS AS CLOSE TO HEAVEN AS I THINK I'LL EVER GET. THIS TRIP WAS ALSO EXTRA SPECIAL FOR ME AS I GOT TO SEE MY BOYFRIEND WIN THE WORLD MASTERS, AND BECOME A WORLD CHAMPION. SEXY! UNTIL NEXT TIME....

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